Hello everyone, I just found this forum today. I am 50 years old, living in Japan, married for almost 29 years with one son (26) and am taking care of my MIL with Stage 5 (in my estimation) AD. She's in the hospital now, this may turn out to be her placement, we'll see. I know that sounds funny, but it started off as a sort of respite situation as her condition escalated to the point that she could not be alone at all without getting into some kind of trouble, be it trying to take medication she found in a drawer, or lighting chopsticks on fire to get warm instead of putting the heat on. We put her into the hospital in part to get her diabetes more under control (she had been munching at night on secret sweet stashes I hadn't managed to find) , and that's all we told her she was going in for. She does not know she has AD. Anyhow, she has blossomed in the hospital, has made friends and is doing so well we wonder if it isn't better for her. When she was in her home or with us, she was VERY reluctant to go outside or do anything, she just wanted to sit, and I was her only contact all day long while my husband was working. Stayed in her PJs for days on end. She spends a lot of time in the coffee shop/lounge and is quite the social butterfly Of course she is welcome to come home anytime she says the word, we're wondering if she'll want to come back home once the weather is warmer. That's where we are for now.

Crella,

I'm glad you found this forum. You will also find a lot of good people. People who are willing to help you in any way possible. We will be here to answer your questions or as a shoulder for you to lean on.
It sounds like your MIL is adjusting quite well where she is. Sometimes when our LOs are around other people, they do better.
Take every thing day by day and cherish the day.
Come often and let us know how you are doing. We not only care about your MIL we also care about you.

Welcome to our family

Thank you very much!

Welcome Crella, I have just joined this forum too and have already found it to be warm and welcoming. Hope we can be help and support to each other.
northernlights

I hope so too, thank you!

Welcome to the family. We are glad to have you join us but of course are sorry for the reason you need to be here. Sounds like MIL is doing good where she is. Sometimes I think, they need that social stimulation. Whatever you decide to do, I know will be in her best interests.

Crella,
Welcome to our forum. Gosh, all the way from Japan. We have U.S., Canada, and now Japan with us. We're really getting big on here!! So very very happy that you found us.

I'll tell you one thing for sure, if MIL seems to be happy where she's at, I would really consider letting her stay. Most usually have the opposite problem with their loved ones. Their placed after living with their families for a time, and then when they get too hard to care for, families take them to a facility and they go kicking and screaming, and then the families feel guilty. I have my Mom living with me that is about stage 5 also, and there's no way she would go without a lot of kicking and fighting and me feeling guilty.

An AD patient Crella is a real challenge. It really takes the life out of a caregiver. It's exhausting. IF you do decide that your MIL should live with you and hubby, then please try to get yourself some help, if only for a few days a week. I did it by myself for over a year and a half. Couldn't get out unless I got someone, like brother or sister, to come over and stay with Mom. And as you'll read after awhile, most times family members do not cooperate. Everyone has their own lives, and don't want to change a thing. I finally last summer hired someone to come here 2-3 days a week to stay with mom so I could have some me time.

You mentioned that she is welcome to come home whenever she wants. Just a bit of advice on that. You and hubby will have to start thinking in different terms as far as MIL making decisions on most things. You think that they know what their deciding, but if you ask them the same question as little as a minute later, it almost always changes.

You have to get into the habit of making decisions for her, even if she doesn't agree. A member of our forum, Lori, whose best friend died over a year ago from AD, and still comes here to help us, said it right. Their reasoner is broke!

You have to base your decisions on what you think is the right thing for her. Not what she feels is right as she doesn't really know anymore what's good for her or bad for her. As you have more experience with MIL, you will see what I mean.

My Mom this morning told me her knee's were killing her, and she couldn't stand the pain anymore and she wanted to cut them off. I went to the counter, got some Ibuprofen and a glass of water. Went to the kitchen table, handed them to her, and she asked me what those were for. I told her that she said her knee's were really hurting her. She said, "No I didn't".

Of course I still gave her the Ibuprofen. I think you get the point.

Joyce43 also said it right when she said that we not only care about your MIL, we care about you. Her husband just passed away from AD, she took care of him for many years, she knows what she's talking about. And by that I mean that if you decide that MIL will be staying with you, and you will be her sole caregiver, that you need to care for yourself too. That means getting respite before it gets too much on you.

I was very stubborn about this. Don't make the same mistake. And to our other new members, that includes you too. Don't be stubborn and foolish as I was to think you can do it all yourself. This is not time to think of the phrase, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". AD is not only an ailment for our loved ones, but very much for their caregivers, probably more so.

I'm sorry this has been so long, but I felt the need especially today, after struggling with my different ailments, to get on the soap box and tell it like it is. If your not happy, then their not happy. And it's hard to be happy when you've got a 24/7 job that you get no vacation time from and no benefits package.

Hoping to hear from you on General Discussion. (if I haven't scared you away) Please join us anytime. We're here for you.

Jackie

Hi, Jackieyo. Thank you. We started to notice symptoms about 7 years ago, after my FIL passed away of AD. At first we thought it was hysterical grief, but it continued....belligerence, temper tantrums, throwing things and losing things. After a year or so it evened out, she seemed to get better and stay there. She was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. She really progressed last year, we could practically see it happening. Month to month she changed, and has plateaued again.

We moved her near us (100 yards) just before she was diagnosed. I was going to her house an hour away five days a week, then three as we got her home help, but she became more and more helpless. We had built a sort of two-family house and waited 12 years for her and FIL to come and she always dragged her feet. My husband felt sad living there, as his father never got to live there so we moved. Wouldn't you know, just after we moved out and I cleaned it etc to put it on the market ,"I'll move now". You could have knocked us over with a feather. Seems she always had the idea to live there alone!

However once she was here, it was a challenge. She only got help 3 hours a week .They seem to be big on physical qualifications here, and physically she is pretty good. She could then still make her own breakfast but I'd have to make lunch and dinner, cart the meals over on a tray and eat with her every day. She refused to come to our house. My husband travels a lot for work, nights he was home I sat with her while she ate at 5, and then had dinner with DH later. She got worse again and took three day's pills at once, so then I started giving her meds 4 times a day (4th time is sleeping pills at 8pm). I spent 4-6 hours at her house a day. It was tough!! She sometimes longs to come home, so I'd feel like a rat saying no, but this time I will get all the help I need!! She was home for New Year's and it was a challenge because as happy as she was to be with us, it made her sundowning worse and she was more disoriented. Had a blast doing Wii bowling though!

I got really dippy for a while last fall, classic caregiver's dementia! Wasn't finding my car in the supermarket parking lot etc. I hope I learned my lesson and don't go all softy under pressure, my weakness. I don't want to be that confused/tired again. It scared me.

I had to laugh about the Ibuprofin, yesterday MIL kept saying 'I can't see!' so I took her to the eye doctor, we get there and it's 'I told her my eyes are fine but she dragged me here! She worries too much!'

Jackie, I wonder if your Mom is just mimicking you? Who knows how many phone conversations she has overheard. Or, you talking to your Hubby about your knee surgery? I'm sorry, but that "IS" funny!

Crella, you have truly made us a global forum, all the way over on the other side of the world! Welcome! We are glad to have you here and you won't see any arguing or anything like that here.

I'm curious - are you finding that the doctors in Japan are knowledgable about dementia?

Sky,
Ordinarily I would think the same thing, cause there are so many times that mom does mimic me on something. But she has worse knees than I do. She should have had surgery years ago, she's had bone on bone for years. I don't know how she has taken the pain all this time. But she never wanted the surgery.

But I do know what you mean about the mimicking. It is really funny when they do that, and I know many times it just for the attention. Gosh, I often wonder how smart an AD patient really is when you hear them do things like that.

I've often thought of writing down the humorous things Mom does say at time, we all really should. It would make for some good laughs, and we all certainly could use that. Hopefully one day I'll start doing that.

Jackie

Hello, Crella! Welcome to our little family of caregivers! My Mother has frontal lobe dementia, too. She is in a Nursing Home as she also had a major stroke and is paralyzed on her left side.

Jackie gave you some really great informationon making sure you take care of yourself.

If you do bring your MIL home to live with you, make sure that you take her out to socialize with other Seniors. Does the facility that she is in do Adult day care? If so, that is an option where she will be with other seniors and be supervised while you go and get errands and 'ME" time done.

We were able to do that with my FIL so that he got a bit more supervision (help with the bathroom) and yet he could sit and talk with the residents and listen to the afternoon programs they had every day. It gave him a life outside of the house.

Take care and come again. We do most of our discussions on the Genereal Discussions section.

Hi Crella! Welcome! Glad to have you as part of our family. Hope to get to know you better through the threads. All the best!

Thank you all for the warm welcome! I appreciate it.

As for the doctors here, they are knowledgeable. What I find is different is that they are less interested in telling you the exact stage. Kind of 'once you've got AD you've got it'.

MILs doctor is great. She didn't like the first one, the specialist who diagnosed her, but she likes her current doctor ('he's handsome') and he is doing a great job with her meds. Right now, for now , she's at a good balance. Very little agitation, which is helpful. I hope it lasts.