Jackie, It is so good to hear from you, you are so loved, respected, admired, I just want to hug you really tight. Thanks for sharing your heart. You spend lots of time with those precious grandchildren and children, and husband they all need a big dose of you and you need them too. You take care, ~Kelly~

Jackie, I've been away from the board for a while and I'm just catching up on the news. I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you feel, and I know that it can be a roller coaster of emotions near the end. I'm glad that she was able to pass at home with you.

My other grandmother (not the one I care for) died the day after Christmas. She didn't have AD but she did have a bunch of serious physical problems and many little ones too. Her body had been failing her for years and it was finally time. Although we are sad, the overwhelming emotion in our family right now is relief. There comes a time when death is appropriate, preferred, and better for everybody involved. It seems like you have a good grasp of that, but it can't hurt to restate it.

Her habit of calling your name came from attachment and from a knowledge that you were the person who cared and did the most for her. It didn't matter if you were annoyed because she still knew it and still asked for you. None of us are perfect and my guess is that only the insensitive have no regrets. From what I can tell you did a wonderful job.

Hi all and thanks again for all your good thoughts. Boy, its just so strange, so very strange not having Mom around anymore. I feel like a lost puppy. I seem to like to sleep alot during the day so I can just stop THINKING!

That's all I do constently is think. Think about what I could have done better, think about the times I lost my patience with her and yelled at her. Think that I should have spent more time with her instead of having caregivers help me. And I see her all the time in that bed the last few days being wretched with pain every time we moved her to change her. And then wondering should I have given her that much morphine? Did I rush her death? So many questions and not enough answers.

Watching her take her last breath will be something I don't think I can ever forget. She didn't gasp and she didn't have that gurgling sound as some have described, but you knew. She would be breathing for awhile, and then stopped. And then a few minutes later would start breathing again. She was so calm and peaceful, and not gasping for air. I know I should be thankful for that, but it's hard, so hard to get it out of my mind.

And then finally her chest stopped moving. My sister in law kept on checking her breathing with the stethoscope, and finally she heard no sound, nothing. That was it.

Gosh, I'm sorry to go on like this. I just don't know what to do or how to stop this thinking. I can't go in her room unless I need something in there. I can't look at a picture of her. I can't stop thinking of her in the cold ground. I am so happy that her pain is gone, and that she does not have that horrible disease anymore, but I have to say, sometimes I wish she was back here with me so I could do this all over again.

I did accomplish one thing. I kept her out of a nursing home. I'm so grateful for that. Sorry to ramble. Just really not having a good day. Guess maybe I should have slept all day again.

Jackie

Dearest Jackie,

Grief is so intense; so pervasive in its every aspect…….you have to do what you have to do. It’s okay to sleep. It’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to think. But just as we had to learn the skills of caregiving, we have to learn the skills of healthy grieving too. It’s hard though, so incredibly hard!!!

Jackie, you gave your Mom as much comfort as humanly possible. You could not have rushed her death any more than you could have extended her life. She was and is in the arms of God, then and now. And yes, you will see her last moment with you for the rest of your life. But that is also the very moment her new journey began with Him.

Try to keep in mind that hindsight can be tricky sometimes. Your decision to have helpers come in was very wise. Please don’t ever doubt that. There’s not one of us here who hasn’t lost patience, yelled, etc., because, you know what, we had to….at that very moment we could not take this disease any more, not one more second, so we exploded—at our LO. Because it was at them, we then felt the enormity of disappointment in ourselves, swearing we’d have more patience the next time. But there was always a next time, throwing hindsight to the wind. Once again, proving that this disease was just too strong to face alone. None of us can do it without help. Just think where you, or she, would have been without it. WITH help, you DID keep her out of a nursing home; therefore, you DID spend more time with her. See? You can’t get better than that! You did good!!!

I don’t know if we’ll have any answers you are seeking, but part of the grieving process is getting things out. It's healthy, not rambling. We’re listening with open arms for you.

May Peace be with you Today!

Jackie, I haven't been here in so long (nothing serious going on with my mother, she is still in NH), but I was so sorry to read about your mother's passing. I wish I had been here at that time to offer support along with everyone else. I hope this finds you in a better place and I am glad your mother is free of this disease. God bless you.