Hello all,
Well, I got through Christmas and New Years Eve (Mom's birthday) and New Years Day. I've had a few breakdowns, and instead of holding them in, I've been finally going with them.
The wake and funeral services were really nice. Mom looked beautiful. She long ago always said she wanted a closed casket for viewing, but we just couldn't do it. And I'm so glad we didn't. I guess I take after her (don't go to the mailbox without makeup done

) (ok Lori, stop laughing) as she may have been worried she wouldn't look her best, but I have to tell you, she did.
Her hair was all gray as it was too hard to tint her hair the last few months. So we had the hairdresser at the funeral home tint it and also give her a haircut. The color was perfect, just as she liked it. Her face was wonderfully smooth as always (she always contributed that to Ponds cold cream) She really looked like a beautiful Angel. She is up there I know thanking me for that.
The hardest part was the day of the funeral. Knowing that that casket was going to close was the worse. I have to say, I really lost it then. If any of you request not to have services or have a closed casket to your kids or family, don't. It really is important to have that closure, for me it was anyhow.
The church service was beautiful. The singer at the church sang the Ave Maria like an Angel. And we had the hospice deacon assist the priest. He gave a wonderful homily which is like a eulogy but scripture related, and said some wonderful things.
Our ending song exiting from church was Angels among us by Alabama. Mom loved Angels so it was so very appropriate. If you get a chance, listen to it. We cut out the first few minutes as it is talking, and used both chorus'.
We had a luncheon afterwards with 80 people, and what comfort that brings to have all that support. The first thing I did was ask for a Manhattan. Figured I deserved one that day!!!
I look in the corner of the family room, the hospice recliner is gone, and replaced with the one she used to sit at. It's hard not to see her there. Regrets? Yep, I have a few. (oh my God, Frank Sinatra sang that!) Guilt sets in when I remember the times I got so impatient with her. And times when instead of me sitting there with her I had the caregivers sit there while I washed clothes, or made dinner or cleaned up when I could have left it for later. So many things. But I have to try to keep thinking what someone, or two, have told me. Only God is perfect. I can't go back, but I can sure try to make it right to the rest of the human race.
Well my friends, thats about it. I need to start a new life here, and I don't know where the heck to start. I walk around this house feeling lost, and have alot of time on my hands it seems. Have to learn how to budget it wisely now I guess. Maybe I can start seeing the kids and grandchildren more often now and start attending some of their sports games. And start on those diets that hubby and I have been talking about for over 3 years huh??
love you all,
Jackie