I read Pat's note on the FT & QM thread and also on the other forum and I felt a need to write here.

I am still grieving for my mom. She's been gone now for a little over 8 months and instead of getting easier, the pain just gets worse and worse. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of her, or shed a few (lol) tears over how much I miss her. The longer she's gone the more I miss her.

So, obviously, I'm having a really rough time adjusting to my life after caregiving. I feel lost and empty even though I have a husband, 2 married adult kids, 4 beautiful grandbabies, and faithful furbaby Wally. They are unaware of how deeply I still grieve. It's not their fault -- I don't let them see it. I honestly don't think they'd understand. Sure, they were around my mom an awful lot, but none of them ever had responsibility for her. I did the caregiving -- they would gram-sit when I needed to get out, but I was never gone more than a few hours (and mom was usually in bed for the night.) So they don't really understand how all-consuming it was and how now, there is nothing.

I miss her repetitious questions, her mumbling, her wanting to go to the bathroom 25 times in an hour, the anger when she didn't get her way. Even more, I miss her sweet smile, the twinkle in her eyes, and the way she held my hand and said "thank you for all you do for me."

My mom wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. She was selfish and sarcastic and obstinate and self-pitying. She was also generous and kind and smart and cooperative and happy.
She was human.
And I loved her.

I wish there was more activity here on this board for those of us still grieving, still hurting so very much. I know I still need a lot of support and I suspect the others do, too.

For those of you reading this who still have your loved one, give them an extra hug today, an extra smile. I wish I could.

Oh Karenlee, I am still grieving too. Please don't feel alone. The hurt just never goes away, it just becomes tolerable, some days more than others. I keep telling myself that now my folks are together and safe from harm and some days it works and others nothing can comfort me.

I started caregiving a year ago and I lost both Mom and Dad in a few short months afterward. It seems just like a bitter memory and just tonight I broke down at the dinner table and all I wanted to do was hear their voices one more time.

We never grow out of wanting our parents near us. They were our safe haven and when they left, they took a part of us with them. The tears we shed for them now are filled with love and admiration for who they were and all they were to us. It is ok to grieve and there is no timetable. My mother still cried for her mom at times up until her death so I know this to be fact. We grieve because we love and when I think about that, it helps put things into perspective for me.

Hugs to you Karenlee. I will try to share my thoughts on here more often. I think I need to hang around here more as I do have problems dealing with things. Sharing makes it easier.

Oh sweetie, many of us understand. Sometimes I am so sure I am finally getting over it and then the grief hits like a ton of bricks. Just a couple of weeks ago, I found myself laying in bed and just sobbing over my loss. I too would take it all back if I could. I would rather be changing her, bathing her, feeding her and putting up with all the stress of caregiving than to feel the emptiness of her being gone. It has been just over 9 months for me. The intensity of the grief is just as strong but it doesn't hit me as often. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to go. Who knows. We will get through this. I have to believe that. {{HUGS}} sweetie.

Dear Snick and Lori,

Thanks so much for your support.

I know there are just some days so much worse than others, for apparently no reason. I was having one of those. It seemed like I everything I either saw or heard reminded me of mom.

And I know what you mean about the intensity, Lori. My infant daughter died 26 years ago and I am not often sad any longer when I think of her, but when I AM sad the pain is just as strong as it was all those years ago. Absolutely gut-wrenching.

Snick, you were hit by a double barreled shotgun, losing both parents so close together. The night I lost my daughter, my father had a recurring medical crisis and was rushed to the hospital and admitted to ICU. I remember praying that God would spare my father so that I could grieve for each of them as they deserved. He lived for another 2 years. I truly cannot imagine how difficult this has been for you, and I'm constantly amazed that you continue to reach out to others with so much love and support.

Our time as caregivers was very special, very intense, and profoundly changed us (inside where it counts.) We will never forget our experience and our loss. I know from my experience with my daughter that time smooths the raw edges and provides perspective; with time, memories can be awakened in joy rather than tears. I am looking forward to that day, and get impatient with myself because I'm not there yet.

But I will be.

Beautifully said, Karenlee.
Thanks for sharing with all of us.
(((((gentle hugs))))))
carol

Hello all:
I haven't posted in a long time...I've been so caught up in my own grief that I haven't had much to give anyone else.
My 87 y.o. Mother died on Feb 4th....it's been 5 months. She had AD and had been living with me and my husband for many years (my Dad died many years ago...long before Mother became an AD victim)...I totally relate to all that you guys have shared. I sometimes think that if I could only kiss her soft cheek or forehead again as I covered her up when she laid down and I want to tell her again and again how sorry I am that I ever got frustrated with her ...I just need for her to tell me that she understands,
I need to tell her again how much I love her and hold her close. I think now of all the times I should have held her close and I didn't.
My tears are so heavy right now, it's hard for me to write this....I can hardly see the screen.
There is no end to the tears....I don't feel like my life has much meaning anymore. I try to be strong, but I feel fearful all the time of exactly what I don't know. That leads to feeling guilty and ashamed because I am a Christian and I know my Mother is safe with my Dad in their heavenly home with the Lord.....so I should be "faith-resting" instead of feeling so devastated.
I can't write anymore...thank you all for being out there.

Louise

Oh Louise, we all have regrets, things we wish we would have said, or shouldn't have said, or done or didn't do quite like we should have. But you know what? what we did, we did out of love. We did the best we could with what we had and I feel God led us through our journeys with our loved ones. God does not call the qualified, but He qualifies the called and I try to remember that when I feel doubt.

I feel alone and afraid too. My parents were my safe-haven for me and I am alone now. I have no one to fall back on, no one to help me if I should seriously screw up and fail. My childhood home now has a big "for sale" sign in the front yard and the house is empty of anything that was ever in my parents possession. Don't feel guilty or ashamed of being fearful of the unknown because you are a Christian. We are not infallible. We can only live our lives the best we can, we can not live them perfectly and God knows it.

I am so sorry you are hurting and wish I could make it better for you. You done good and I hope you can come to believe that in time. There will always be the shoulda-coulda's in life but as time goes on, may we be given the understanding that we did the best we could under such painful circumstances.

Dear, dear Louise,
Tears can be a blessing
They won't drown you
Don't be afraid
Don't be ashamed
Don't be guilty
Your tears are a blessing.
They are a gift.
Breathe deep and don't be afraid to go there.
See Luke 7:36-50.
You will find your peace.
Love,
Carol

Carol and Snick:
Thank you for your caring words and concern. I know I will make it through this like so many before have and so many after me will. I feel very fortunate that I have this forum family to lean on and vent to. Just being able to put feelings down via the pc keyboard is a great pressure release. Knowing that there are people out there (Forum Family members) that care is a beautiful bonus.

Love to you all,
Louise

Oh, Louise, I understand so well the never-ending tears, the fear, the aloneness, and wanting "just one more time" to share a tender moment. My mom also lived with me and memories of her surround me daily.

I agree wholeheartedly with Snick that we all did (and do) the best we can under the circumstances, and as with every other aspect of our life, we will have regrets for coulda/shoulda's. I think the "trick" is to recognize our humanity and imperfection, forgive ourselves, and then move on. And to remind ourselves that we were loved and in return, we loved.

I wish peace for your heart, and calmness for your troubled mind. And I pray that the burden of grief we carry will be eased, if only a little, each time we reach out in our pain or offer a comforting shoulder to one another.