I just realized something the other day. In a couple months it will be the one year anniversary of Helen's death. i have been worried that when that day comes that I will crash and burn. What I realized is there is also a fear that I will be fine. I know that sounds crazy but I find that as the grief disipates I feel guilty about it. It is almost as if I am being disloyal to Helen. I know she would not want me to continue in grief but in a strange way I feel like I owe her that. Does this make sense to any of you?

Lori,

Although it's been 20yrs since I lost my Dad, and I wasn't a full time caregiver to him, I do understand. In the last few years of my Dads life, he was always sick, and I spent quite a bit of time with him and Mom.

Of course, the first anninversary of his death was the hardest. It seemed like the year had gone by so very fast, and it just wasn't fair that I had to do this all over again. And Mom of course was still so grief stricken, that it made it that much harder for me to grieve. It seems I always had to put on a happy face for her sake.

I guess what I want to say is that you have to do what will come naturally to you on that day. And yes, as the grief disipates, you do feel guilty. But because you don't grieve as someone else may, it doesn't mean that you feel the loss any less than if you burn and crash.

To me, you keep Helens memory alive just by the things you do in her name. You continue to be a support system for us all that are still on this terrible roller coaster ride. You give your heart and soul to people, and to me, that's what makes you never disloyal to Helen. She taught you to be the person you are by choosing you as her caregiver.

So my friend, on that day, the day that Helen found peace and happiness, do what comes to you. Crash, burn, laugh, cry, celebrate or just say hello to her in prayer. You'll know what to do, you'll know. And whatever you do, I know you will find peace in your heart, and not one bit of disloyalty.

love,
jackie