Just a thought - throwing it out there. Not sure why I'm even writing this.
After 2 years of posting and reading about this disease, I dont seem to want to post questions or join in with my view very much. It's like the more I know, the more Im afraid of telling others about it. Even you all, folks that are going through this too. You all seem so articulate and focused and direct. I'm all over the place.

I find that I'm at a loss for words much of the time. Just a lot of feelings washing it and out like the tide.
For much of youth, my Dad was such a scary, violent, racist guy - and now sometimes I feel like a traitor in feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him.
I guess what Im trying to say is, that there are so many memories, so many bridges to rebuild - I can feel so together on some days and so confused and lost on others.
I'm the secondary caregiver, and I guess that gives me too much time to think.
The 'think abouts' is what we kids used to call it.

When you have to care for someone you never cared for you, it does give you much to ponder.

Peace
Eileen

I have no experience with this Eileen but I just wanted to say that I admire you for being involved. I am 99% sure that I wouldn't do it. You must have a very forgiving heart.

Eileen,

I really don't know how you do it at all! It sounds like your memories are very painful and I doubt I could overcome that much hurt to care for the person who knowingly (or otherwise) caused it.

I often thought while caring for my mother that it would have been so much easier if she were a stranger. The devastation of AD would be the same, but if I didn't know the person BEFORE, I couldn't miss them as much as I missed the woman who was my mom. Then again, I could not have cared for a stranger 24/7 like I did with mom.

So you aren't the only one with think abouts.

You have a very kind, forgiving and loving heart. Bless you for all you are struggling with but putting aside to help this man who gave you life.

Eileen,
It is called unconditional love and you have been gifted with that. I feel you are doing what you need to do and are doing it with grace and love. Do what you can and what you feel you can manage to deal with comfortably. Bless your heart.

Eileen,
Your perspective and your gift is golden.
Please share as much as you are comfortable.
Thank you for being here.
Carol

Eileen dear,
I think that whatever has gone before fades a little when our Loved Ones are overtaken by this devastating disease and we just focus on doing the best we can for them during their journey. Bless you my dear and I am sure you will continue to help where you can and make Dad's journey a little easier.

Thank you all. Once again, I am speechless. Thanks again for listening.
There is so much more to learn.
Peace
Eileen

I agree with Patricia--if I were to be perfectly honest, my mother was not the mother of the year by any means and for probably 35 of my 45 years we did not get along at all. I felt I raised myself for the most part and through her life she has been very self-involved.

That got swept to the side in this disease. It's really not so important what happened before anymore.

Eileen, it isn't that easy for those of us that have dementia to just throw it all out there, it takes practive I guess. Before AD, I was as shy as a possum and worked in the ICU of a local hospital. No way would I be out spoken about anything other than changing a bedpan...lol! Seriously, it takes time and it takes practice of getting out there and making your voice heard even if it is only to your family. Not to mention it is therapeutic. Sometimes it will take me an hour to type a simple message as this. there have been messages that I have worked on all day. Thank God for the word processor! But then I have to remember how to use it! Thank God I have a 13 year old, he keeps me bailed out of trouble on here.

Dont be so hard on yourself. You are not alone and you are loved.

Thank you all. I'm taking babysteps here.
Today my Dad has to go to the nephralogist (spel) his kidneys are slowing down again. I ask my Mom, what does this mean, is there pain, any new medicines to take? She gives a wishy-washy answer and back to the internet I go. It's like she cares - but not really. Which scares me but I understand. After all the punches and verbal abuse from him, she kind-of numbs out.
Its crazy.
She has started to tell me 'their' beginings, and how nice he was - so we all are taking baby steps in expressing ourselves.
Thank for listening friends.
Eileen

It's a good topic you brought up. All my life I longed for my mother's approval- we all did. She was terribly abusive to my dad in particular and I spent most of my life trying to protect him from her harsh words. She was especially hard on my sister as well. I tried to be invisible. I knew there was something wrong with her, everyone did but it never got talked about too much. She was always sick and always in the hospital for something and my sister and I spent days waiting in waiting rooms, growing up never really knowing why.
Anyway, none of it matters now. She is a little whisper of a thing now and as sweet as she can be and I can say I love her with all my heart. I hope she has forgotten all the bad things too.